Tunde Odesola
Mr Sanwo-Ola is the Administrator and Chief Tax Collector of Èkó, the Atlantic City. As an ajélè, Sanwo-Ola oversees the Èkó territory on behalf of the true owner, the Elékò, Oba Akanbi Olódó Ààre. In a controversial poll, Ààre had snatched the kingship of Naija from three other bloodsuckers, namely Article, Kwankwa and Obih, subsequently relocating from Èkó to rule in the portal of power, Abuja, two years ago.
From being the godfather of some fiefdoms in Southern Naija, Ààre is now king over more than 35 federating fiefdoms of Naija, fulfilling a lifetime dream. Ààre is the Oracle of ‘Turn-By-Turn Nigeria PLC’ and the Godhead of ‘Baba-Sope Politics’.
On this lonely midnight, Sanwo-Ola cuts the figure of a troubled mind as he sat on the edge of the giant bed, his face in his palms, an empty brandy bottle on the bedside stool, eyes bloodshot. Beads of sweat break on his brows, despite the giant air conditioners in the room working full throttle.
Sanwo-Ola had just executed a coup, but the coup failed, and he knows the consequences of a failed coup. He knows Ààre is the god of vendetta. He also knows that the dog of the king is the king of dogs.
The dog called Mudder. Though Mudder is one of the dogs of the king, Mudder is an irritating dog; untrainable and implacable – always barking without reason – spoilt, stupid, selfish, and swindling. Mudder is also the Head, Èkó Assembly of Legislathieves.
Because he has the king’s backing, Mudder, one day, barked at Sanwo-Ola during a public presentation, tearing the Èkó Administrator’s garment – having been seized by the dìgbòlugi virus called rabies. In that show of shame, Mudder disrespected the land’s elders and equated himself with all former ajélè of Èkó, and even the Ààre himself.
Mudder ti f’enu ko! Everyone thought Mudder had talked himself into trouble by equating himself with Ààre, and would be muzzled for good. Initially, Ààre was annoyed with Mudder, refusing to see him when he went to Abuja to pay obeisance, even Ààre publicly reprimanding him during a festive period in Èkó. The news of Mudder falling out of favour set the Atlantic City’s grapevine afire; his days are numbered, many reasoned.
One day, Mudder foraged outside his kennel, far beyond the territorial borders of his owner, Ààre. A thought crept into Sanwo-Ola’s mind, “This is the best time to strike the senseless chihuahua.” So, Sanwo-Ola sought the backing of Èkó elders, a conclave of spent oldies, whose major duty is to run errands for Ààre and eat at his feet.
Subsequently, Sanwo-Ola got the support of Mudder’s colleagues, whom he (Mudder) had treated shabbily for so long. Altogether – Sanwo-Ola, elders, chamber members, etc – carried the effigy of Mudder to Eti-Osa, the bank of the lagoon, and tossed it into the sea! That was symbolic. That was spiritual.
Mission accomplished, hugging and back-slapping, everyone departed from the seaside. Ààre will not rescue the mad dog; he’s now a goner, a loner, he’s going to sit among the pack and hunt with the hound now, he won’t be the top dog anymore. That was what everyone thought. But they were all wrong! Ààre is the double-edged sword with which Esu begs people for palm oil.
“Go and give Mudder, my dog, back his bone!” Ààre barked. “Ha, what will the masses say?” the elders counselled, “Èkó people are sophisticated, Ààre.” “I don’t care!” Ààre thundered, adding, “Sanwo-Ola should go and resign if Mudder cannot be reinstated.” Confusion! Panic! The elders pleaded, “The bone is now in the possession of a homie, the people’s choice.” Puffing, pouting, and panting, “I am the people! I am Èkó! I forge the destinies of the people in my bullion vans,” Ààre shouted, cursing and hissing. “Go and reinstate Mudder!”
Within the next 24 hours, Ààre fought with the ruthlessness of COVID, the àjàkalè àrùn that arrested the whole world in 2020, as he withdrew security details in Iru and Ikate-Elegushi kingdoms from two handpicked royal fathers related to the new head of the chamber.
Ààre Esu Laalu! Ààre is the beheader who never allows a sword near his head. By torpedoing Mudder without involving Ààre, Sanwo-Ola flouted the very first law of power, “Do not outshine the master,” as propounded by Robert Greene in his warfare book, “The 48 Laws of Power”. Ààre felt that if Sanwo-Ola got away with this coup, he would have mastered the art of subterfuge, thereby becoming dangerous and powerful. Ààre did not want an ajélè as powerful and as beloved as the left-handed B-Fash. “So, this Sanwo-Ola boy wants to beat me in my own game?” Ààre thought aloud, blowing smoke through his nostrils. “I will teach him a lesson!”
It’s Ààre’s enduring tactics that the Administrator of Èkó and the Head of Èkó chambers, in any tenure, must never be friends; they must be cat and mouse. When there’s no love lost between the ajélè and the Chamber Head, the ajélè will be afraid that Ààre can tell the Chamber Head to topple him anytime. Ààre knows this type of arrangement will make the Chamber Head see himself as a potential ajélè if he remains a loyal dog. That was the relationship tactically sustained between all Eko ajélè and chamber heads handpicked by Ààre. The Sanwo-Ola—Mudder war gives Ààre joy.
The outrageous reinstatement of Mudder exposed Ààre as a devil in paradise. A viper in an agbada. The whole world knows there is only one man who can reinstate Mudder. He is Ààre – the Emperor, the Conqueror, the Champion, the Lion…
For exposing him, Ààre turned against Sanwo-Ola viciously, intent on ridiculing him publicly and making life terrible for him. At a public function, Ààre refused to acknowledge Sanwo-Ola, sending disturbing signals within Atlantic City.
Sanwo-Ola ran from pillar to post, begging the young and old to help appease the Esu in Abuja to eat èbùré, the atonement sacrifice. Witches and wizards from all parts of the land flew to the portal of power to beg Alhameda to lift his jackboots off the neck of Sanwo-Ola.
The blood pressure of Sanwo-Ola rose because fear had taken him hostage. Brandy and whiskey became his water. He knew the fates that befell those who fell out with Ààre: impeachment, prosecution, and persecution. He cried and prayed. And God listens to prayers.
A few days later, a call came through. It was one of the elders. “Ààre has finally listened to us. He said you can celebrate your anniversary. But he said to show you’re really contrite at heart, you must not dance all those your ‘Gbe body e,” “Zanku,” “Shaku Shaku,” “Legwork,” styles of.” Sanwo-Ola: “Ha, thank you very much, sir. E se, sir. I will see you all, sir.”
Sanwo-Ola invited his colleagues from other lands to his big party. There was a particular colleague of his who came from a land popular for its healing river. Ha! That colleague no dey take ear hear music, e go jump up and start to twist.
At the party, that Sanwo-Ola’s colleague with a skyscraping cap would dance vigorously towards Sanwo-Ola, but Sanwo-Ola would only sway to the left and the right like a faulty standing fan. “What is wrong with Sanwo-Ola today? He’s not vibing,” his dancer colleague thought.
Adewale Ayuba’s music blared, “File! Ma ba won ta tan dele o…” Sanwo-Ola swayed, his colleague rocked.
Days after the party, the Ajélè of Eko called his Chief Security Officer.
Sanwo-Ola: Hello CSO! Arrange security, we must head out to Abuja immediately!
CSO: Today, YE?
Sanwo-Ola: I said immediately!
CSO: I’m sorry, YE; you told me a few minutes ago you’ve been placed on bed rest by your doctor, sir.
Sanwo-Ola: If I miss the 2 o’clock flight, consider yourself redeployed.
CSO: Yes, YE!
In a couple of minutes, sirens blared and a fleet of the latest automobiles snaked out of the palatial residence en route to the airport.
Sanwo-Ola: Listen to me carefully, COS. Do not mess this up. This is why I asked you to lead the advance team to Abuja. Get those market women and men, students, artisans, thugs, and schoolchildren to Ass-o-Rock gate and wait. I’m flying in with our elders, leaders, and dignitaries. We shall be there shortly. Kill cows and cook various foods. Let drinks flow like a river.
COS: What are we celebrating, YE, sir?
Sanwo-Ola: We are coming to Abuja to thank Aare for wishing me well during my anniversary.
COS: Who are those coming with you, YE?
Sanwo-Ola: My wife and all the who’s who in Eko. It’s not easy for Ààre to send well wishes to mortals. On his mandate, I shall quench.
